So in everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets.
Matthew 7, 12
It’s often called the golden rule, and it’s meaning is clear enough. Be kind to people, treat them well. How would you feel if someone treated you like that? Be good, be decent and everything will go well. There it is, plain and simple.
Whenever something Christ said strikes me as simple or easy, it generally means I haven’t understood it.
Firstly, what does it mean to treat others as you would like to be treated? How would you really like others to treat you? I mean really, not just now but for the long term. In my last blog, I suggested empathy was essentially selfish and narcissistic. That was probably being a little harsh; empathy is far better than indifference or cynicism and it’s a good place to start. I maintain however that empathy can very easily become selfish. If not informed by a genuine love and desire to do the best by the other person, empathy quickly becomes projection. You do what you think would be good for the other person because it’s what you would like and become angry when they are ungrateful. Clearly that wasn’t what Christ meant.
Let’s look at the context. Matthew chapter 7 verses 9-11 say:
Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask them?
In other words, as God has treated you, so you should treat others. But then, haven’t there been many times in our lives when it seems we have prayed to God, and he has given us stones instead of bread and snakes instead of fish? If God had given me everything I asked for, I would be living in a mansion by the sea, married to the girl I had a crush on in university, and making millions of dollars a year writing fantasy.
Would such a life be good for me? Would I be truly happy? I wonder.
As anyone who has been a parent knows (at least a good parent) loving your child means giving them what they need, and not always what they want. I suspect millions of dollars and a mansion by the sea would be no better for me now than a diet of sweets and ice-cream would have been when I was a child. The same applies to our father in heaven. If you like to sit in your bedroom all day and night eating pizza and playing video games, does a loving father bring you your Pizza and diet coke whenever you want, or tell you angrily “You’re better than this!” If you have a tendency to alcoholism, is your best friend the one who goes out drinking with you, or the one who says ‘Dude, you’re drinking yourself to death and it has to stop’? If you have bad breath, body odour or an irritating manner, do you really want everyone to pretend it’s fine, or would you prefer they take you aside and tell you? When life seems hard, you generally want a kind word and a soothing hand on your brow, but often as not, what you most need is a swift kick in the backside.
That shouldn’t be your first option of course, but sometimes it’s the only thing that works. God has given me quite a few swift kicks over the years and no doubt has more in store. In the words of C S Lewis: God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain (from The Problem of Pain). If God has to knock you flat on your back to get your attention, that’s what He’ll do. Thankfully, He hasn’t found that necessary for me yet.
As we’ve already said, helping people requires going beyond the superficial empathy which asks, ‘how would I feel if it were me?’ I cannot help anyone unless I first recognise that they are not me. Then I can ask, who is this person, what does he or she want and how can I best help them?
If a hungry man asked for bread, you would certainly not give him a stone, but if a man in the early stages of cancer asked for a cure would you give him a painkiller? If that’s all you can give him, then by all means, but how often today do we give painkillers instead of cures? If you have a toothache, a Panadol to help you sleep is a good thing, but unless you call a dentist the pain will only get worse. How often do we give money to the poor rather than helping them to make money for themselves? True, the poor will need money to eat today, but without a plan for the future their situation will deteriorate. How often does our society offer medication for spiritual or emotional pain without dealing with the cause?
There is an old Dutch saying which translates as ‘Kind-hearted doctors make stinking wounds’. The message of Matthew 7, 12 seems to me that, yes, we should be kind to others, but with the kindness of a skilled, wise, and well-meaning physician, as gentle as possible, but willing to hurt the patient when it can’t be avoided. A good physician is also humble enough to know the limits of his skill, ready to call in a specialist when needed, and always working with the patient to find what makes things better and what makes them worse. And a good physician knows when it’s time to stop the treatment and let the patient heal by him or herself.
Luke would understand that, what did he have to say? In Chapter 6 Verses 27-30, he says.
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you do not demand it back.
And he goes on to say:
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that.
Luke 6, 32-33
We are not just expected to do the best for people we like but also for people we don’t like, people we even hate. It is not the healthy who need the physician, but the sick (Mark 2, 17).Now make no mistake, there is genuine evil in the world and Christ recognises this. That is why he warned us not to cast pearls before swine (Matthew 7, 6-7). Sometimes all you can do for someone is pray for them. If I met any of the men who took part in the raids on October 7th, I doubt I could convince them to stop hating Israel. I understand how they came to be the way they are; I would probably be the same if I had been taught from infancy that those people over there are evil, they stole my land and my mission in life is to inflict as much death and suffering on them as possible. There is, however, a difference between understandable and excusable. I pray that one day God will open their eyes, but I deplore their actions and beliefs, and if they came after me or my family, I would defend myself.
In these days of division, it is very easy to think of people who hold different political views as stupid or even evil. In reality, most are neither. In 2020, almost half the voting population of America voted for Donald Trump, did they do that because they were stupid? Because Trump had somehow fooled them? Of course not, no more than the slightly larger number who voted for Joe Biden were stupid, evil or misinformed. Whether they voted for Trump or Biden, they did so for what they considered to be good reasons. Of course, both were mistaken or misinformed to a greater or lesser degree. We may disagree with someone, but unless there is good reason to think otherwise, we should do them the courtesy of assuming they made their decisions for what they consider good reasons and try to understand what those reasons are. If we try to understand those we consider enemies, we may be able to reason with them and bring them to a better understanding. Or we may come to realise they are right and can help us out of an error we have fallen into. Let truth and falsehood grapple as Milton says.
What about ‘Give to all those who ask’ doesn’t that contradict what I just said about not giving money to the poor? You should certainly give help to those who ask, but the key is what to give. You would not give money to a gambler, or whiskey to an alcoholic. If your child asks for a snake, would you give him one, or persuade him to have a fish instead?
So, following the golden rule is not as simple as it appears. How does one do good for others without doing harm instead of good? You do not learn to play tennis, write novels or build houses simply by reading and thinking about it, you learn by doing it. You will make mistakes, but if you are willing to learn, you will get better at it. So, go out and do good for others, those you dislike as well as those you like.
It’s not easy, but nothing Christ asks of us is easy. He didn’t mean it to be.
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